This is a post from L-plate Mummy
I have talked about my anxiety before, but after finding myself in hospital, thanks to anxiety, I feel that I need to speak about it again.
My anxiety attacks had seemed to be under control. I still suffered with mild ones, but I could recognise them and breathe myself out of it. I hadn’t had a severe one in a couple of years and thankfully the mild ones were manageable and few and far between.
I was about to be reminded, yet again, that anxiety can strike at any time, for no good reason.
Forgive me if I begin to ramble, I just want to talk through what happened that night and how it made me feel.
Friday had been a good day. Breakfast and a good chat with a friend, and a relaxed afternoon at the computer before picking the kids up from school.
At 6pm I headed off for my usual Friday night kettlebell class. The class started at 6.15pm and is 45 minutes long. About 20 minutes in and I felt a little lightheaded. Unusual I thought, as kettlebells go this was a fairly forgiving session. I stopped to have a drink. Then it hit, a crushing pain in my abdomen, which crept up and took hold of my heart. I couldn’t breathe. At this point the kettlebell exercises were now on the floor, I used this time to just sit and try and breathe properly. It wasn’t working so I laid down. This was worse, it felt like I had a boulder sitting on my chest. At this point I was sure that I was having an anxiety attack. Why? I had no idea. I tried to remain calm, made my excuses and left class.
Walking home I rang hubby, he is normally very good at talking me through and out of an attack. It was now that this anxiety attack was starting to feel different.
I still couldn’t breath, the crushing pain in my chest was getting heavier, and my abdomen felt like it was going to burst. My right arm was now also starting to feel odd. It was heavy, like it had lead in it, with pain shooting up and down.
I managed to get home where I sat down and dissolved into tears.
This is where I should point out that my attacks normally pass after about half an hour at the most.
An hour had passed and I was still gasping for breath. I desperately wanted to take a deep breath, but I just couldn’t. My chest and abdomen were still agony and I still had the pain in my arm. Then my face went funny, I couldn’t feel it properly and my teeth felt most bizarre (I wish I could explain that sensation better), I then realised that I couldn’t swallow without great difficulty. Hubby decided enough was enough and that we should get some advice from 111, I was devastated when they said that they were sending out an ambulance, and more so when the paramedics wanted to take me to hospital.
At hospital I was hooked up to an ECG machine, I had to give a urine sample, have bloods taken, and an examination. It turns out that they had to rule out several things including a mild heart attack, stroke, blood clots on the lungs, and diabetes.
It was a good 5 hours later before my breathing started regulating. Thankfully, nothing untoward could be found and I was finally allowed to go home. Feeling mentally and emotionally drained, and incredibly stupid. It had been an anxiety attack – just an anxiety attack.
This is where I want to say that to anxiety attack sufferers, there’s no such thing as ‘just’ an anxiety attack.
They are all consuming.
They take away all logic.
They destroy any rational feeling.
In place of logic and rationale, they fill you with complete terror.
With dread.
With self-loathing.
With a feeling of utter helplessness.
They strip you of your dignity.
And there’s nothing that you can do about it.
That complete loss of control in itself is terrifying and leaves you feeling so horribly vulnerable.
So, to the nurse that said: “Are we having a little panic attack?” in the most patronising way. To the nurse who took my bloods and made me feel like the most selfish time -waster, to anyone who has ever rolled their eyes and thought ‘here we go’ when someone has talked about anxiety, just try and imagine how you would feel. How would you feel if you lost complete control? Could feel nothing but panic and dread? Feel that all of your worst fears were about to become reality? Just something to think about.
Because, life 